It’s so easy to see Facebook profiles and make assumptions of someone: “wow, their lives are altogether”, “she loves being a mom”, “man, she really is super mom”, etc. Or to think that if the person is only showing the good that they are hiding behind a mask. I beg you to rethink all of that. There’s sometimes another story. There is a mom who is struggling deeply to find joy, her own sense of beauty, purpose, worth, and life in the mundane routines of caring for her young children. The happy pictures posted are her way of striving to remind herself of every joyous moment there really is. She doesn’t want people to feel burdened and sucked into her gray world. She desperately wants to be the one to bring life to others while at the same time barely able to breathe in the sinking sand of life choking out her very spirit. How do I know this? Because I am that story.

I am the new mom who was excited to have a baby boy but battled physical recovery. Then around 8 weeks post-partum (after the 6-week check-up) was hit pretty hard with post-partum emotions. I am the mom who thought it was normal and didn’t really seek help, wasn’t supplements and healthy diet supposed to help? I am the mom who felt like I was losing myself and my purpose in Christ. I am the mom who was desperately crying out for help but feeling like no one could hear my raspy cries.

With my first child, I found renewed strength in creating and starting a shop and the Lord used that to pull me out of depression after 8 months post-partum. Some said I didn’t need to create so I could focus on my child and not let it take me away, but little did they know that the creating was doing the exact opposite. It helped me to feel alive once again, so I could better enjoy and focus on my child. So, though it was a very difficult time for me, the post-partum depression of my first brought forth good and created a new opportunity I would never have imagined.

Fast forward to our second, and I am that mom again. That mom that deals with post-partum emotions yet again. But this time, in a new place with no close friends nearby and now with two babies in my arms. Finding time for my creative outlet is almost non-existent and making new friends takes a lot of work especially when I feel like I’d be more of a taker than a giver at this point and do not wish that on anyone. All of which makes the gray clouds close in ever more. Hearing the words of wisdom “enjoy each moment for it will fly by” only brings forth hidden tears and a painful smile because it is so difficult to enjoy each moment. I never missed the infant stage with our first and now I wish I could hit the fast forward button once again. Yet at the same time, I so desperately yearn to enjoy these baby days.

But the sunshine! One bright ray is that I know the Lord brought forth good from my first dealings with the depression and so I look forward to seeing what comes forth from this one but in the midst of it, the days are veeeeery long. Second ray, I know that it will be short lived.  Third, I’m reaching out for help this time around. I have an incredible group of midwives who are helping as well as good counselors and a supportive and patient husband. Fourth, I am making an effort to establish good strong relationships/mentors and connect with our new church family and place in ministry. Fifth, I know the Lord has called me over the past few years into working with women’s ministries with a stronger and stronger call each year and this year was granted an opportunity through a God appointment. I wholeheartedly believe all the struggles I have faced through the post-partum, times of being a single mom because of my husband on military duty, being a military wife and some of the other experiences have all contributed in creating a platform for me to understand so many women of different backgrounds and to have a voice. Is it hard going through the gray days, oh my yes! There are so many days that I wish I could cry! But I know that these days are not in vain and will be used to serve an even greater purpose for the Lord. It is a constant reminder to me to keep striving and seeking for those opportunities the Lord is directing me to follow. Perhaps it is taking up more writing this season of life with my first book being published in a few weeks, God only knows!

Years ago, when I was a high schooler, I remember driving to an unfamiliar place on a country road with no place to stop. I felt lost and confused and so I asked the Lord for directions. At that moment, a red van pulled in front of me and I heard the Holy Spirit whisper “follow me.” I don’t remember if it was cloudy or sunny that day, but I do remember that I couldn’t really see anything else but to keep my focus on that red van. Finally, at some point, my eyes caught a glimpse of a familiar sign and recognized my surroundings. When my eyes went back to the red van, it was no longer there and no sign of where it had gone. But I knew where I was and could find the rest of the way home. It is in these cloudy days when I find it hard to find my way, that I look for that “red van” knowing that the Holy Spirit will guide me safely moment by moment, I just have to keep my eyes focused on Him.

Maybe you aren’t just a “Facebook friend” looking in though, maybe you are that mom too. Know you aren’t alone and post-partum depression can occur at any time during that first year after having your baby. It may be common, and it may feel like it is your normal…but that’s not the best place to be emotionally, physically or spiritually. You don’t have to feel that way and there is so much help available. You can reach out to me or to your own obstetrician or counselors, the Lord will certainly put a “red van” in your path if you just ask Him for directions!

But most importantly, don’t hold back! 1 Peter 5:7 says to “Throw all your anxieties upon Him, because He cares about you.” You don’t have to approach the Lord manicured, having everything together or hair at least fixed. That passage implies a very desperate, hurling. A mom who is disheveled in the clothes she slept in, maybe she doesn’t even have time to make a messy bun or put on makeup. She just needs help and she doesn’t even casually hand or toss her cares to the Lord, no…she chunks them in desperation. Lord, here are ALL of my cares and anxieties! I don’t know what to do but I know you do, and I can’t bear it anymore! Have ’em!! Prayerfully, you go to Him before even then, even with the littlest care, but if you are a mom you probably are more like the first where you just have it all pent up because you’ve barely had time to whisper a “help me” prayer. So that’s where the throw comes in! It’s fast and it’s furious, God I can’t even find time to sit because everyone needs me so…in coming…take all my anxieties, comfort and lead me I desperately ask! And He will!