Last month we had a baby shower and after thanking everyone and expressing how much all the support, love and prayers meant to us during this crazy story of ours, someone said “It has been fun watching the story unfold!” Oh yeah, loads of fun! I thought sarcastically! Living in the part of the story where a promise has yet to be fulfilled and waiting through two big contradictions in the natural and potentially looking like a fool is such a fun roller coaster! I have never liked roller coasters, not even the simulators or curvy mountain roads, so this is no exception…I’m ready for this one to end!
I had thought that part 3 would be written after the birth of this little one, but the Lord began speaking to me to write this part now. Since the last post back in July about this promise of our daughter, the Lord has greatly strengthened our faith and continued to confirm that His promise is true, and His Word does not return void. That He WILL fulfill that which He promised. And so, we have continued to hold tightly to His promise. At the end of July, He gave me a new boldness and faith and so I asked Him, “Lord, now what? I believe Your Word and promises will come to pass. I struggle at times so help my unbelief. But what am I to do now?” Later that day, He gave me a Scripture from Hebrews 10:35-36 “So do not throw away this confident trust in the Lord. Remember the great reward it brings you! Patient endurance is what you need now so that you will continue to do God’s will. Then you will receive all that He has promised!”
I wish I could say that I have super faith powers and haven’t wavered one bit, but the truth is, apparently, I have a kryptonite that threatens me from time to time and even more so in the last weeks as our due date inches closer and closer. This kryptonite has a name that has haunted me for years and it’s called “fear of failure.” I’ve touched on its effects before in a previous post about the lies I believe and just when I think I’m overcoming it through the Lord, it appears, and I crumble yet again. Since the middle of September, it has reared its ugly head about once a week with thoughts of “What if you were wrong? What if all the words, confirmations, every ‘coincidence’ was all wrong? What if you haven’t really heard from the Lord at all? If this baby is truly a boy like all the reports say, then you failed God because you have misheard Him, you failed all the people who have followed your story and who you have shared your faith with, you fail your children and your spouse because you aren’t really close to God, you have already failed in all your business ventures you trusted the Lord’s directing so what’s to say you haven’t failed in this area as well?” Adam has had his own battle with the questions of “what if” though his conclusions bring him to another place. So to say that we have struggled many times over in our faith is an understatement. Many have told me how much they are amazed by my faith in holding to this promise, but it hasn’t been as amazing in the day to day. I struggle. Adam struggles. The kids have had far more faith than us even knowing what the reports say every time we see the midwives, and they remind us to have the faith of a child. I don’t want to live in denial or to be overwhelmed with disappointment should the promise of God be at a different point in time and not be fulfilled now. I want to be able to bond and rejoice over this baby. The practical part of me wants to be realistic and prepared for both. But no matter how I try to do that, the Lord keeps correcting me. Even when I’m asked by strangers “what are you having?” My instinct is to say, “We’ll find out at birth.” But He has stopped me every time and said “Speak forth ‘girl’!!”
In August, I planned on changing the nursery theme to something gender neutral but the moment I began the process I felt God’s firm hand again on my shoulder and His voice ringing in my spirit, “Don’t you change what you’ve started in this room. If you do, you will have to suffer the consequences for your lack of faith.” *Gulp* Later that day, Adam came home and told me (unbeknownst to him of my earlier conversation with the Lord) “You know, if you change that nursery you will have to suffer the consequences.” Okay Lord!!! I got it! I won’t change the nursery other than finishing the wall of course!
More confirmations kept coming forth as so many told me personally that as they were deciding what gift to send for our little one, they heard Holy Spirit tell them to choose girl items. At some point, I reached out to three different ministries and a prayer warrior I trust to ask for their wisdom and guidance in our story to ensure that we aren’t hearing wrong or misinterpreting something God is doing. But as soon as I sent those messages, I heard the Lord say, “I’ve given you all the confirmations you need and then some. Why are you still seeking it out through people? When will you learn to trust Me more? You will not receive any further word of confirmations from those you have messaged. You have to learn to trust Me and know that you have been hearing my voice. Stop doubting.” All of those responses came back 2-3 days later with the same basic message, “The Lord isn’t giving further insight, but I believe He wants to stretch and test your faith and learn to trust Him completely.”
Around the same time, He also started putting us through another huge test with the military, finances and ministry. But when you aren’t on the other side of a promise you have spoken about, it makes it even harder to know if you are truly hearing correctly for the other areas! Adam and I have always been ultra-cautious (better worded…overly cautious) about putting words into God’s mouth and leading people astray so when we do finally speak out, it’s come after a long process with the Lord to ensure we heard clearly. And this season of our lives has been nothing but fleece throwing it seems!
After all these things, last week the Lord directed me to Romans 4 and how “against all hope, Abraham in hope believed and so became the father of many nations, just as it had been said to him…. Yet he did not waver through unbelief regarding the promise of God, but was strengthened in his faith and gave glory to God, being fully persuaded that God had power to do what He had promised.” Or as one translation reads “…he trusted God as the one who gives life to the dead and calls nonexistent things into existence.” And this is where we are now in our story, that whenever the kryptonite of fear of failure raises its head, we are to stand in strong faith and call into existence that which is nonexistence because it is the spoken promise of God. The Lord reminded me of how Abraham’s trust was credited to him as righteousness, yet he still struggled with the promise. He knew it would come to pass but the timing and leading up to the fulfillment was still a struggle and he had to battle the human fleshly emotions of a seemingly unfulfilled promise that he knew would be fulfilled…but how?! I know there will be much more revealed about this story come time for the birth and how it all ties into this nation. But for now, you get to be a part of this 9 month faith pressing journey with us and hopefully in the process have your own faith stretched even through my journal ramblings on this subject! May the Lord strengthen your faith in the promises He has spoken to you personally no matter how impossible it may look in the natural!
Your faith is inspiring, and I appreciate your honesty about the doubts. God gave us so many promises about a child, snd most were specific about a “son.” Bill kept the faith better than I, but after so many medical visits and then failed adoption attempts, my faith was weak. By the time I hit the age of forty, I simply wanted to move on and leave the dream behind; it simply hurt too much to hold onto it.
At one point during the journey, a young couple attended our church. They were also struggling with infertility. One night, during a powerful service, God gave me a “word” for the wife. I went to her and said, “God says that OUR children will play together.” It took much courage, but I felt such an anointing!
When she became pregnant a few months later, I got so excited! I just knew that I was next! Nope….nada…nothing. She had her daughter, and I remained childless. Time passed, and the couple moved on to another church. I just knew that I had misheard God. What an idiot I had been!
A few years passed, and this couple had another little girl! My heart sank further, and I hated to be resentful of the blessings of others. I felt so petty at times. FINALLY, we got the call about a baby who was due any day in California, and the rest is history. We brought Blake home and reveled in the joy of parenting at the age of 41!
Those first weeks were filled with visits and cards and calls of congratulations. It was wonderful! One day the young mom who had left the church came to visit. We had a good chat, and within a month or so, she and her husband plus the two little girls came back to church.
Before long, Blake was going to the nursery during service. One Sunday when I went to get him, I saw Blake and the other couple’s youngest daughter (older than Blake but still in the nursery) playing on the floor together. My heart! Oh my! I had NOT misheard; I had simply ASSUMED that it would play out a certain way, and God had different plans. Wow! God had known all along our journey how Blake would come to us in 1996. There was no way I could have understood it when I was struggling with repeated heartache all through the decade of the 1980s and half of the 1990s! God did indeed give me the word to share to that other struggling wife that “our children will play together.” He did not explain to me that it would NOT be her first child, and He did not clarify that my son would not be my biological child. Sometimes God allows us to walk through a fog, and we never really enjoy that experience!
When you KNOW that you have heard from God, walk it out. The final act of the “play” is in God’s hands. If it looks different than we expect, it doesn’t mean that WE failed; it means that God’s ways are higher, and sometimes we are looking through that “dark” glass and can’t quite see clearly. That’s okay. It is still in God’s hands. Bill has often said that WE try to take responsibility for something GOD is doing when we simply cannot do it. We put too much pressure on ourselves for an outcome that is completely out of our control.
I eagerly anticipate the outcome with you. I know that God is doing something bigger than any of us can see or understand. Your only responsibility is to carry this baby to term. God has everything else under His control. Just rest in the knowledge that sometimes His follow-through can look different than our expectations. ❤️
Thank you for sharing your story! I know God works in mysterious ways that are far bigger than we can understand! And until the promise is fulfilled we don’t always have full clarity to the process. I was just telling Adam this evening that this promise has felt almost like a boxing match where we know what the outcome will be but we still have to fight for it and take every opportunity to punch the enemy who is trying to kill this promise in the eye with faith. It hasn’t been easy or even something we’ve wanted to publicly display of this match but God has other plans and so we are submitting to Him fully and willing to even look like a fool at whatever happens because we know in the end His promise will be fulfilled in His time and in His way! I know I mentioned a 9 month journey, but it really started 7 years ago it’s just that this seems to be the climax part of the story, the nail-biting, hardest chapters! But we shall see soon and allow the Lord to reveal more that we do not even know now. Our job has been to pray, to speak forth the promise of God, to fight and hold onto it, to love this child, and to record what the Lord tells us to record because He is writing this story as long as we listen and obey every step of the way!
Believing and standing in faith with you for God’s promise to you both to be fulfilled and His purpose served!
Thank you Daddy! All we want is for the Lord to be able to use us for His Kingdom purpose! It’s all about His purpose not what kind of outcome we want!